


Red, Lies and ‘I Love You’s

by philsdrill



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Blood, Body Dysphoria, Cute Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Dan Howell - Freeform, Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, M/M, Menstruation, Phan - Freeform, Phan Fluff, Phandom - Freeform, Phanfiction, Phil Lester - Freeform, Playlist Live, Trans Character, Trans Dan Howell, Trans Male Character, Transgender, phanfic, phanfluff, trans!dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2019-04-22 08:45:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14305041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/philsdrill/pseuds/philsdrill
Summary: Phil and trans!Dan are at Playlist Live and run into a complication when Dan gets his period during a meetup. Phil and Louise come to the rescue. Fluff.





	Red, Lies and ‘I Love You’s

**Author's Note:**

> If you happen to have read this before, I posted this in May 2016 on tumblr. Also if anyone's interested in following me on tumblr - I'm more active on there and there's more fics - you can find me at [philsdrill](https://philsdrill.tumblr.com).

**Phil's POV:**

It was the first day of Playlist Live and Dan and I had woken up really early from the jet lag. Our morning hadn’t been too busy; we ordered some room service for breakfast and spent a while editing and scrolling tumblr on our laptops, in our pyjamas.

Eventually the time came when we had to attend a panel. Dan was a bit hesitant to get dressed, telling me that his chest seemed really achy and sensitive today. There wasn’t really anything we could do, so he reluctantly put his binder on and we got on with the day.

I’d been making sure to periodically check he was okay, that the pain hadn’t escalated into anything more or that his binder wasn’t restricting him too much, but so far, he seemed to be okay.

We were currently in a meetup, meeting a great number of our fans one by one. I’d just noticed that Dan was looking a little uncomfortable, so I would take the next opportunity I got to take him aside and make sure he was alright. It was only five minutes until we got a short break anyhow.

The next fan approached us, but before she went in for a hug, she stopped and looked up at Dan.

“Uhh Dan… I think I should tell you that you have blood on your pants,” she said.

Looking over at Dan, I could see what she was talking about. In between his legs a medium spot of red was staining his white shorts. Dan glanced down too and saw what I did.

Both of us knew only too well what it was. It came along every month and although Dan refused to call it such, most would call it a period.

“Oh shit,” Dan said, “I uhh.. forgot to take my medicine this morning. It’s nothing, just a small infection.”

“Excuse us, we’d better go get it,” I told him, now joining in his lie.

“But don’t turn around; it’s worse behind,” I quietly added, whispering so only Dan could hear that.

I grabbed my hoodie from where I had left it at the side earlier, and tied it around his waist. That would certainly cover the worst of it for the moment. Scooping up the rest of our stuff, we hurried behind the curtain.

“Nearest toilet?” I asked him, “Or back to our room?”

“Toilet,” he replied, “Not walking that far like this.”

“Okay,” I said, seeing a disabled loo in the distance and pointing us towards it.

As we walked towards it I thought I would ask Dan about him looking uncomfortable, although I probably now knew the reason why, “I’d noticed you were looking a bit uncomfortable, I was going to ask you about it. Was that just this?”

“Yeah, I kinda felt it. Well I couldn’t be sure, but I was going to come to the bathroom as soon as I could to check anyway,” he explained, his voice trembling slightly as he spoke, “It adds up with my chest hurting too; I should’ve realised sooner.”

“You had a lot on your mind already,” I reminded him, “I don’t blame you for not noticing. I didn’t either and I think I might’ve put two and two together if we hadn’t both been so tired.”

I followed Dan into the toilet, shutting the door and locking it behind us. Dan had immediately pulled his shorts and boxers down and was now sat on the toilet, head in hands, crying.

“Dan,” I spoke, after giving him a minute to cry.

“Yeah?” He replied, voice high and filled with emotion.

“Hardly anyone saw and your excuse was pretty good,” I told him.

“It still happened though,” he replied, unleashing another sob.

“I know, but it’s not your fault, okay,” I told him, trying to be comforting.

“That’s the problem. It’s not my fault. I don’t have any fucking control of this piece of shit that’s meant to be my body,” he said angrily, making him cry more.

“Dan, I know this is really difficult, but we be need to get you cleaned up and we have a meetup to get back to,” I reminded him.

“Yeah…” he said sadly, “How’re we going to do that because there’s no way I’m walking back out there like this?”

I looked at Dan’s shorts and underwear; he desperately needed clean ones.

“I’ll run up to the room and grab you what you need,” I told him, “You can stay here and try to get yourself cleaned up a little.”

“Okay,” he said nervously.

“I’ll be as quick as I can,” I told him, “Lock the door behind me and I’ll knock when I come back.”

I opened the door a crack, went out and shut it behind me. I was glad to see there wasn’t anyone waiting to go in. I walked as quickly as I could, even jogging where it wasn’t too busy. I eventually got to the lift and hopped in, pressing it button for our floor.

The lift seemed to take forever, but really it was just me being desperate to get back to Dan as soon as possible. Thinking of him crying hurt me enough, never mind thinking of him crying and alone.

I ran down the corridor to our room, relieved that I had remembered the key. I let myself into the room and immediately made my way over to Dan’s suitcase.

Being the easiest things to find, I pulled out some clean underwear and a pair of black shorts, similarly long to the ones he’d been wearing before.

Next I went into the bathroom, guessing he might keep pads in his toiletries. I knew roughly what I was looking for, having seen them around our flat at home, but they didn’t seem to be there. I returned to his suitcase and had a thorough look through but still I couldn’t seem to find them.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket, deciding that the quickest way to get the answer would be to phone him.

As soon as Dan picked up I started talking, “I’ve found you clean pants and shorts but I can’t seem to find your pads. Do you know where they are?”

“Uhh…” he hesitated - I could almost hear the cogs whirring in his brain as he thought, “I’m not sure if I brought any actually; I wasn’t expecting it.”

These last words he said in a very small voice and I could hear that he was struggling not to have a further breakdown.

“Don’t worry,” I said thinking quickly, “I’ll call Louise or Cat and see if either of them can help, if that’s alright with you.”

“They don’t know I’m trans through,” he said nervously.

“Dan, I’m sure they’ll both be absolutely fine with it and will help you out if they can,” I told him.

“Okay then,” he hesitantly agreed.

I said goodbye to Dan, telling him the quicker I went, the quicker I would be back.

Going back to my contacts screen, I hit Louise’s name, going with her first because I felt she was closer to us than Cat. She picked up reasonably quickly, not giving me much time to plan out this difficult conversation.

“Hi Phil,” she greeted me.

“Hi,” I replied, “First of all, where are you?”

“In my room,” she replied, “Why?”

“Great, um do you have a couple of spare period pads to help out a friend?” I asked her.

“Yeah, I do,” she replied calmly, “Who are they for?”

This was the question I wasn’t looking forward to answering. How did you explain to someone that one of their friends is transgender? I didn’t really know and I didn’t have time to think about it so I just went for it.

“Umm, just a warning, this will be a shock,” I told her, “Dan. He’s transgender but hasn’t started testosterone or anything yet and he seems to have forgotten to bring any with him.”

“Uhh okay,” Louise said, surprised, “Do you know how he likes them? Wings or no wings? Thick or thin?”

I felt really awkward answering this but I knew that Dan said he had pretty heavy periods and he always seemed to buy the ‘extra absorbent’ or ‘ultra’ or something. I couldn’t really remember the names.

“The heaviest flow ones you’ve got,” I told her, cringing a little, “And preferably with wings.”

“Alright,” she said, to my pleasant surprise not commenting on the heavy flow, “Should I bring them to you guys’ room?”

“Yeah,” I replied, “That’s where I am at the moment. Dan’s crying in a toilet downstairs and I came up to get clean clothes and pads for him.”

“He’s crying?” She asked, “Oh dear. I’ll come round right now so you can get back to him all the sooner.”

“Yeah, he was wearing white shorts and one of the fans told him he had blood on them,” I told her, “He made up a reasonable excuse about having forgotten to take medicine for some infection, but its still affected him pretty badly. He gets really dysphoric and depressed and everything at this time of the month too, the next few days aren’t going to be easy for him.”

“Okay, bye Phil. I’ll be right over, see you in a minute,” Louise said, hanging up the phone.

As I waited I shoved the clean clothes into my rucksack, along with a plastic bag to put his other ones in. I didn’t have to wait long for Louise to arrive; true to her word, it only took about a minute. I invited her into the room, allowing us a bit of privacy for our exchange because I don’t know how we would explain SprinkleOfGlitter giving AmazingPhil sanitary towels in a hotel corridor, if anyone saw us.

Once the door had shut behind her, Louise produced a half packet of pads from her handbag.

“That should be enough to keep him going until tomorrow if you need it; you’ll have to take him shopping though,” she told me.

“Yeah, I know, and thank you so much, You’re a lifesaver,” I told her.

“It’s fine, honestly,” she replied, “I’m happy to help if I can.”

Putting the packet of pads in my rucksack alongside the clothes, I told her that I’d better be off and go back downstairs to Dan.

“Oh, before you go, does Dan get cramps?” She asked.

“Like stomach pain?” I asked, “Yeah.”

“How about I come down with you because I have painkillers if he needs them,” she suggested.

“Okay,” I agreed, slinging my rucksack onto my back and opening up the door, “But don’t expect him to be up for a heart to heart about periods or anything, he’s really sensitive about the subject.”

“Okay,” Louise nodded, “I’ll keep that in mind.”

We left Dan and I’s room, letting the door swing shut behind us. We made our journey back downstairs quickly, me looking at my phone and finding that it had nearly been ten minutes since I left Dan. For me that time had flown by, but for him I knew it would feel like hours, hours of being upset and alone in a windowless toilet.

“He’s in there,” I told Louise, pointing to the toilet once we were getting close, “You can just wait outside. We might be five or ten minutes though.”

I approached the door and knocked audibly, “Dan, it’s me, Phil. I’m back.”

I waited, and sure enough, a few seconds later the lock clicked round and now read ‘vacant’. I gave Dan a few seconds to retreat back from the door and opened it enough for me to get in, shutting and locking it again behind me.

He looked like he’d barely moved since I’d left, still sitting on the toilet, eyes red and teary. I approached him from the side and loosely draped my arms around his neck. He tilted his head to the side and leant it against me for a second.

“I’ve got you clean clothes and pads,” I told him, opening my bag and producing the clean underwear and a pad from the packet, and giving them to him.

This was one place I couldn’t help out - I had no experience with pad sticking. Dan had years worth, so he’d get it right.

“What kind are these?” He asked me, looking at the pad he was about to unwrap.

I got the packet out of my bag properly and showed him.

“I asked Louise for the heaviest flow ones she had,” I told him, “Was that the right thing to do?”

“Yeah, they’re fine,” he said, now unwrapping it and sticking it down, “I was just checking because there are a lot around that just don’t seem to last long enough. I’m glad you knew that. Thanks.”

“It’s okay,” I told him, “It’s Louise you should be thanking though.”

“I’ll do that later,” he said, shoving the wrappers in the bin next to him.

“She’s outside actually, she said she’d come with me as she has some painkillers if you need them,” I informed him.

“Okay,” he said, “Better not keep her waiting too long then.”

Although the tone in his voice seemed light-hearted, I knew it was just a cover for how he was feeling underneath. His eyes still told a different story, tears still lingering in their corners.

Dan stood up, pulled up his pants and flushed the loo. Suddenly he brought one arm across his lower stomach and a pained expression crossed his face. Scrunching up his eyes, he grabbed the handle on the wall meant for helping those in wheelchairs, and leant his head against the wall, taking a deep breath.

“Dan? Dan? Are you okay?” I asked him worriedly, placing my hands on his hips.

“Just… a bit… nauseous…” he said, breathing heavily, “I think… need… those painkillers.”

Moving my hands from his hips, I wrapped one arm around his shoulders.

“Take your time, okay,” I told him, pressing a small kiss to the side of his head.

Dan let go of the handle on the wall and careered into me, allowing me to wrap my arms around him properly.

“M’okay,” he said, “Just hurts a lot.”

I dropped my hands lower and started rubbing the small of his back, “Does this help?”

“A little,” he said, his voice sounding a touch cheerier, “Thanks Phil.”

“S’okay,” I replied, continuing with what I was doing, “Do you want your shorts now?”

“Yeah, that would be good,” he told me.

Letting go of him completely, I pulled the shorts out of my bag and passed them to him.

“I picked some darker coloured ones,” I told him, “Thought you might be more comfortable with them.”

“Great,” he replied, “If you’d brought another pair of white ones, I would’ve sent you back. Don’t know where you would’ve found another pair though, I only have one.”

A few minutes later, Dan and I were at the door of the bathroom, ready to leave. He was re-dressed, I had his messy clothes safely wrapped up in my bag and we’d both washed our hands, and him, his face.

I pulled him into another brief hug before we opened the door, giving him another small back rub as it would likely be the last opportunity to do so for a number of hours. I bent down a little to kiss him, caressing the back of his head as I did so.

“You’re going to be alright,” I told him.

I unlocked the door and we walked out, back into the large convention hall that the toilet had been off of. Louise was standing a few metres away to the left, on her phone, leaning against the wall. She saw us coming and put her phone away.

“Hi,” she greeted us, giving Dan a small supportive smile.

“Hey Louise,” Dan and I replied, not quite in sync but almost.

Knowing that Dan would probably rather put up with the pain than ask for it himself, I asked Louise about the painkillers.

“You know those painkillers you mentioned, he could do with some,” I told her.

Dan looked at me gratefully and nodded, “Yeah, that would be great.”

Louise rummaged around in her bag and pulled out a box. She opened the box and handed Dan a strip of pills.

“Two of these, every four hours if you need them,” she told him.

“Thank you so much,” Dan thanked her, and then added in a hushed tone, “And for the pads too.”

“It’s no problem,” she replied, “And if you ever get caught out again, just call me and I’ll see what I can do.”

“Thanks,” Dan said again, “I hope that won’t happen though,” then turning to me, “Phil do you have any water?”

“Yep,” I said, going into my bag and pulling a bottle out, “Here you go.”

Dan took the water, popped two pills out of the packet and swallowed them, washing them down with some water. He returned the water to my bag and we were good to go, well presuming he was alright with it.

“Are you okay to go back to the meetup?” I asked him.

“I think so,” he replied, not sounding one-hundred percent sure, “I still feel pretty horrible, but the painkillers should kick in sooner or later.”

“Okay,” I said, “We’ll go back, but tell me if you don’t feel any better or if you feel worse.”

“Yeah.”

We started heading back towards where our meetup was, we’d only been gone for around twenty minutes but it felt like longer. Everyone waiting to meet us would either be wondering where the hell we’d gone or why on earth Dan had had blood on his pants. I hoped there wouldn’t be too many questions.

“Guys,” Louise attracted our attention, “I don’t have much to do this afternoon. Do you think any of your fans would like to meet me too?”

“Yeah, I think so,” I told her, “Your videos with Dan went down a treat. I’m sure some of them are your fans too and will love to meet you.”

“Awesome,” she replied.

We got met with the usual cacophony of screams as we re-emerged from behind the curtain. We did get a few questions about where we’d gone, but Dan managed to play it off with the excuse that he’d forgotten to take some medicine. When asked, I gave the same excuse, that Dan had forgotten to take some medicine. We didn’t go into any other detail than that, but at least our excuses matched up.

Every hour or so, we had a brief break, time to retreat behind the curtain and have a few minutes to ourselves, a snack, a visit to the toilet or whatever. Two hours had passed since our return and we were going for another break.

“Umm, Phil,” Dan spoke to me, “I need to go to the bathroom; can I take your bag?”

“Yeah,” I told him, almost immediately getting the hint that he needed to change the pad, “They’re still in there. Do you want me to come with you?”

“No, I’ll be fine,” he told me, picking up my rucksack and heading off in the direction of the toilet.

I watched until Dan disappeared out of sight. He seemed alright now. I just hoped he wasn’t going to start crying the second he was alone again. Maybe I should have just gone with him anyway.

“Phil,” Louise spoke up, “Just a slight concern… he shouldn’t need to change after just two hours, certainly not with thick pads like those.”

“He always does,” I told her, wondering why she was concerned, “That’s normal right? Every two to three hours?”

“Not really Phil. It’s barely been two. Three to four is about normal but for your average pad,” she told me.

“What are you saying then?” I asked, not really seeing what she was trying to tell me - all people were different, maybe she and Dan were just at different ends of the spectrum.

“That it sounds like he has a pretty heavy flow,” she said, “It’s nothing bad, but if he asks the doctor about it, they can probably do something for it. Consider persuading to go to the doctor because they could make him feel a lot better.”

“Okay,” I said, making a mental note to talk to him about that when we were in private, “You sure it’s not just that he’s a bit paranoid about leaking?”

“You say it’s always two hours? Even at home?” Louise checked with me.

“Yeah,” I confirmed, “Around that.”

“I doubt it then,” she told me, “Get him to go see the doctor when you get home, there’s no harm in asking at least.”

“I’ll talk to him about it later,” I told her, “See if some cuddles will persuade him it’s a good idea.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Louise laughed, “I’m guessing he’ll appreciate a good cuddle after a hard day like today.”

“Yep,” I confirmed with a giggle, “That’ll be our evening plans sorted. I don’t think he’ll really be up for any partying.”

“Yeah, you take care of him, Phil,” Louise said, “I’m sure we’ll manage to party without you guys.”

Louise and I continued to talk as we waited for Dan to return. I tried not to worry about him, although I knew I had every right to. I had to keep telling myself that he would be alright, that he was a big boy and was perfectly capable of going to the toilet by himself. A wave of relief washed over me when I saw his figure walking towards us, my backpack slung over one shoulder.

“Hey,” I greeted him, bringing him into a half hug, “All ok?”

“Yep, I’m good,” he told me, “Well as good as I can be like this.”

Making a sad noise to show my pity, I hugged him a little tighter for a second, “You’re doing amazingly.”

“Thanks,” he replied, a little sadly.

“You ready to go back out?” I asked him, “Just remember to tell me if you need anything.”

“Yep,” Dan replied.

I looked over to Louise who replied with a nod and we walked back through the curtain. The rest of the meetup went by smoothly and eventually we were finished, having met every last person in our queue. I think we were all exhausted now and Dan particularly was starting to show it.

Letting out a yawn, he turned to me, “Phil. I’m really tired? Can we go have a nap?”

I looked at my phone and tried to work out whether it was a good idea with our jetlag and the timezones. All it took was another look at Dan to make up my mind. It looked like staying on his feet was starting to become a bit too much of an effort for him and his eyelids looked a bit droopy.

“You can have a short nap,” I told him, “But we need to go out to a Walmart or somewhere to buy you pads.”

Dan cringed at this last bit, but in all his tiredness it didn’t seem to bother him too much, “Okay.”

We returned to our room, where Dan didn’t waste much time in getting into bed.

“I’ll let you sleep for about an hour,” I told him, sitting next to him on the bed with my hand on his shoulder, “Then we need to go shopping.”

“Do you not want a nap too?” he asked me.

“No, I’m alright actually,” I told him, “You’ve been having a tough day; you need it.”

“Yeah…” Dan trailed off tiredly.

“Go to sleep,” I told him, “I won’t leave you.”

“Thanks,” Dan mumbled sleepily, finally letting his eyelids fall shut.

As I’d promised, I didn’t leave him, but stayed by his side. I set an alarm on my phone, just in case I did happen to fall asleep and proceeded to spend the next hour on the internet. One of my first stops was twitter, making sure that nobody had shared pictures that could potentially out Dan. I hoped none of the fans would have the audacity to do that, but there was always a chance. I had a good hunt around but fortunately didn’t find any; Dan was safe, at least for the time being.

Looking down at his sleeping form, I wondered how quickly his body would start to change once he started testosterone. If all went well, he would start later this year, but he was still waiting on some confirmation from blood tests. I hoped it was soon because wasn’t coping too well at the moment. No one but me had seen the extent of his recent breakdowns, the hours he’d spent lying on our carpet debating if he deserved to exist.

I ran my fingers softly through his hair. Would it change? I doubted it, but you never know. It might look different on him if his face changes a lot. Thinking of Dan looking manlier put a smile on my face. I could picture him smiling, his jaw a bit squarer and stubble lightly dusting his skin. It was pretty attractive to me, but I’m sure most of that was down to how much happier he would be. Personally, I didn’t mind what body he had, I would love him all the same; I just wanted him to be happy in it.

I would do my best to keep him as happy as he could be until then, do my best to help him through his bad days: days like today where he needed someone to lean on, a loving hand to hold, someone to cope where he couldn’t.

I was so lost in my thoughts that it was a shock when the alarm on my phone started to ring. I silenced it quickly, not wanting to give Dan such an abrupt awakening.

I leant down and kissed his lips, caressing the side of his head with one head.

“Dan,” I said, backing away slightly, “You need to get up.”

“But I’m tired,” he complained.

I did feel bad waking him up, but he wouldn’t sleep right through the night if I let him sleep.

“I wish I could let you sleep,” I told him, “But we need to go shopping and you won’t sleep later if you sleep now.”

“I don’t care,” he told me, grumpily.

“Dan, please,” I said, leaning down to kiss him again.

“Ughh,” he groaned, “Alright, but can you get me some water and those painkillers Louise gave me earlier.”

“Yeah, sure,” I said, getting up quickly and going to rummage through Dan’s bag; I think that was where he’d put them.

Finding the painkillers, I went to the bathroom to fill a glass with water and then returned to Dan’s side. He was now sitting up, but was almost doubled over around his abdomen.

“Dan,” I said, making sure he noticed my return, as he had his eyes shut.

“Fucking hell,” he swore, still bent over.

Knowing how he was at this time of the month, I didn’t let that get to me.

“Dan,” I repeated, moving to rub his back with the hand that wasn’t holding the water, “Come on, sit up and you can take these painkillers.”

Dan let out a groan and pushed himself back up, slowly and begrudgingly.

“Here,” I said, passing him the water and painkillers, “You’ll feel better soon.”

“Thanks,” he replied timidly, proceeding to down the pills and water.

I continued to rub his back for a while longer, eventually feeling him relax slightly. I’d intentionally made sure we had extra time because I knew it would take him a while to get back on his feet. Eventually we got up and left our room, heading down to the outside world to get a taxi to the nearest supermarket.

It was in the lobby that we saw other people, fans came up to us looking selfies and hugs. Fortunately, being later in the day, there weren’t too many people. Just outside the hotel doors we had a random encounter with Zoe and Louise.

“Hey guys,” Zoe said, the pair of them stopping to talk to us, “How’s Playlist going for you?”

“Pretty good,” I replied, “We did a meetup today so that was nice to meet loads of people.”

“How about you, Dan?” she asked Dan, “You suffering a bit from the jetlag? You look pretty tired.”

“Yeah,” Dan replied shortly, “I’m not feeling that great either; gonna have an early night.”

“Aww, I hope you feel better soon,” Zoe said, pity in her voice, patting him on the arm, “Where are you guys going?”

“Walmart, I think,” I told her, “Going to see if we can get something to make him feel a bit better.”

Looking at Louise, I knew that she knew exactly what we were going to buy, but she knew to keep it quiet. We finished our brief exchange and said our goodbyes before getting into a taxi that would take us to the nearest supermarket.

On getting out the taxi, Dan nervously expressed to me a concern, “What if a fan sees us buying them?”

“They’re for a friend. End of story,” I told him.

“But what if you know, they, you know, put two and two together with earlier?” he asked, worried.

“We won’t let them,” I told them, “They can’t just assume. If anything does happen I will get personally involved to sort it out; but don’t worry about it, no one’s going to see.”

Resisting the urge to take Dan’s hand, we walked into the shop together. Before getting to our destination, we took the opportunity to pick up some snacks, including some American candy which we wouldn’t get back in England. I let Dan take the lead when we found the aisle that stocked pads and tampons. Although we’d been together for years I’d never quite learned which ones he preferred. I waited patiently, basket in hand, as he picked a few packets out. I kept an eye out for teenage girls, the group of our fans that we’d be most likely to bump into here.

“You got what you need?” I asked him, as he put them in our basket.

“I think so,” he said, sounding slightly unsure, “They’re not quite the same as at home but I think they should be okay.”

“Good,” I said, with an encouraging smile, “We can always come back if you need anything else though.”

“Yeah,” he said, looking around yet again to check for fans.

“Let’s grab some more painkillers and then we can get out of here,” I told him, heading towards the display, which was conveniently next to the other period stuff.

“Umm Phil,” Dan said, “These are like special period ones, can we go to where they have the standard painkillers? There’s no way I’m taking those in public.”

“Ohh, I hadn’t quite realised, sorry,” I told him, “Yeah.”

Making a trip down the medicine aisle to grab some normal painkillers on the way, we made our way to the checkout. The lady at the till didn’t bat an eyelid at around-twenty-year-old men buying ladies sanitary products, which I think was a relief to Dan. I didn’t think she would say anything in the first place, this was daily practice for her, but Dan seemed to envisage the worst possible outcome in situations like this.

Having loaded our purchases into a carrier bag, we jumped in a taxi and headed back to the hotel. I’d decided that hotel room service would be on the menu for dinner. Dan hadn’t wanted to go out in the first place and now he was itching to get back.

Back in the privacy of our hotel room, Dan nuzzled up to me for a hug.

“That went alright,” I commented, in reference to our trip to the supermarket, “I did keep wishing I could hold your hand though.”

“Yeah, it wasn’t too bad, but thank you for being there for me,” he replied, “Now what do we have planned for this evening? I’m not really feeling like parties.”

“I was just thinking we’d stay here,” I told him, “Have a relaxing evening, get some room service, cuddle… that sort of thing.”

“That sounds great, Phil,” Dan told me, “But you’re sure you don’t mind missing out on whatever’s happening?”

“No, I don’t mind,” I told him, truthfully, “I’d rather stay here with you, parties aren’t really my thing either, you of all people should know that. Plus, it would be weird if I turned up without you. Everyone would wonder what had happened.”

“You could just tell them I’m ill,” he suggested.

“Dan, I’m not that much of a meanie, I wouldn’t leave you alone if you were ill. I’m staying here and that’s final,” I told him.

“So what do you want for dinner?” I asked him, quickly changing the subject before he thought up some other way of making sure I didn’t mind missing the party. I knew that deep down he did actually want me to stay; if I left him alone he would most likely spent the entire time feeling sorry for himself.

Getting on the phone to the hotel reception, Dan ordered up our dinner. Some things wouldn’t change; even when he was feeling down, I was still crap on the phone. While we waited for it to arrive we put the TV on and started watching a film from the hotel’s inbuilt film selection. I had wrapped my arms around Dan from behind, him sitting between my legs. Eventually a knock at the door forced us to give up this comfortable position, as I had to get up to let our food in.

I brought the plates and cutlery over to our bed, passing Dan his before sitting down next to him. While we ate, the film played on, and even after we’d finished.

As it neared it’s end, Dan seemed a bit restless, shifting around how he was sitting, what seemed like every few seconds. As soon as the credits started rolling I decided to see if he’d tell me what was up.

“Are you alright?” I asked him, squeezing his hand slightly within mine.

“Yeah… It’s just getting pretty sore again,” he told me, “And I should probably go change before things get messy.”

Looking at the time, I figured out that there was still another hour before he could have any more painkillers.

“Do you want to have a bath?” I suggested, remembering that it was something he sometimes did to help, “That helps, right?”

“Yeah…” he said hesitantly, “Okay, I’m just not sure about being alone with my naked body today.”

“If you want I’ll come in the bathroom and keep you company,” I suggested, being careful how I worded it because, although we’d been naked around each other before, it fluctuated how he felt about it.

“Uhh..” he thought about it, “If you want, but everything’s a bit gross down there, just a warning.”

“If you need the company, I’ll come with you, that doesn’t matter,” I told him.

“Okay then,” he said timidly.

“I’ll go get the water running,” I told him, getting up to head in the direction of the bathroom, “You get what you need and come through.”

Entering the bathroom, I walked towards the baths and turned the taps on (or maybe I should call them faucets, being in the US). I sat on the floor next to the bath and periodically stuck my hand in it to see how the temperature was. A couple of minutes later Dan walked into the room, having abandoned most of his clothes in the bedroom. He had with him a bundle of stuff. I kept out of the way, giving him the privacy to organise everything and get into the bath.

It was only once he was settled that I felt it would be okay to look at him and talk to him. I’d make sure to keep my eyes on his face, because I didn’t want him to feel that I was staring at anything. It was a long process, gaining the trust we had, and I didn’t want to ruin it. I wouldn’t do anything even remotely sexual without his permission, because those were the areas he was most uncomfortable about; looking at his unbound chest fell under that category.

“Is this helping?” I asked him, after a few minutes.

“Yeah a bit, thanks,” he replied, “The warm water helps.”

“I’m glad,” I said, “I don’t like seeing you in pain. I can’t even imagine what it feels like.”

“Like someone’s punching you constantly in the stomach and lower back,” he said, laughing ironically, “Oh and oozy.”

“Okay, enough,” I said, “I’d rather not hear about the oozieness.”

“Yeah it sucks,” he said sadly.

I felt like while we were on the topic, that this was maybe the opportunity to bring up my discussion with Louise earlier this afternoon.

“I was talking to Louise earlier, while you were at the toilet,” I started, “Don’t worry, its nothing bad. She was just kind of surprised that you had to.. umm.. change after two hours.”

“What, does she not? Lucky sod,” he said, sounding quite surprised.

“She was saying to me that you probably had, uhh… excuse the wording ‘a heavy flow’ but the doctor can probably do something to make it less,” I explained.

“Really?” he said, in disbelief, “So they could give me something to make there less of it?”

“I think so,” I replied, “If you’re up for it, you could maybe talk to Louise and see if she knows any more, but she was saying to go see the doctor when we get home and they’ll probably be able to do something for you. Do you want to do that?”

“I guess it’s worth a shot,” he replied, “Anything to my life easier before T.”

I was glad I’d had this conversation with Dan; hopefully it would instill some positivity in him. Any step towards his transition was something positive, and at times like this he needed the difference all the little things made. We continued with some amicable conversation for the rest of his stay in the bath. I talked in the soft, calm voice I used when we were half asleep or when Dan was ill. It probably didn’t make a difference, but that didn’t matter. If something made him feel even slightly better, I would do it.

When Dan got out the bath, I kept out of the way until he had his pad and underwear sorted out, and on. That was something I would never get involved in unless necessary. He’d been doing it for years and so had the whole rigmarole practised and down to a fine art.

Once he had the towel wrapped around him, I opened my arms to invite him for a hug. Almost instantly, he took me up on the offer, allowing me to wrap my arms around him and hold him close.

“You’re okay. We’re going to get through this,” I told him firmly, letting my hands fall on the small of his back as his head rested on my shoulder.

“Thanks Phil,” he muttered into my ear, “I love you.”

“I love you too Dan,” I reminded him, “I always have and I always will do.”

Once the towel had taken away sufficient moisture from his body, Dan grabbed the t-shirt he had brought and pulled it over his head, once more hiding one of his most-hated body parts.

“You brush your teeth or whatever; I’ll get ready for bed too and we can cuddle for a bit first,” I told him, “That sound good?”

“Yep,” Dan replied, folding up the bath towel and putting it back on the towel rail.

I left the bathroom and quickly changed into my pyjamas in the bedroom, before rejoining Dan to brush my teeth. When he was ready, we left the bathroom and headed to bed. Sometimes I would give him a massage when he was feeling all achy, but I think the bath had made enough of a difference that I wouldn’t have to today. Instead, I took him into my arms and held him close, kissing him softly, then keeping our faces close as we drifted off together across the dark dream-filled sea.


End file.
